Parents in Pain

If you’ve ever been a parent of a teenager you can probably relate to the question a friend of mine posted on Facebook a few days ago: “I’d really like to hear from parents with grown children who survived the teenage years what you did to make it through!” which is her exact quote. Giving her the quickest response I could at the time, I recommended she buy the book “Parents in Pain” by John White that I had read when I had teenagers living at home. Today, however, after having some time to think, I’ve heard the Spirit’s voice who, I think, has inspired me to write. His message came quickly early Monday morning before daybreak. This is what I heard – not out loud – but inwardly when I was still enough to listen.

God is not just like a father he is a father. Why not look at God and Jesus’ relationship starting from creation?

1) God created Adam who begat Cain – the murderer Cain – who killed his brother. Only two generations away from the Creator a murderer is born. The best of parents can have the worst of children while the worst of parents can have the best of children. Regardless, parenting is difficult in the best of circumstances and not for the faint-hearted.

2) God was in control but gave Jesus freedom of choice. “[Jesus] offered up prayers and petitions with loud cries and tears to the one who could save him from death, and he was heard because of HIS REVERENT SUBMISSION.” (Submission implies freedom to choose.) Every child has freedom of choice to obey or not. Control is an illusion. The only person you can control is YOURSELF. You may think you’re being a great parent while in actuality you’re parenting a compliant, submissive child; the rebellious ones will hone your parenting skills and may make you change your mind; the quicker a parent learns this the better. Days and days, maybe years and years of grieving or taking blame for your children’s mistakes could be avoided. My daughter told me when she was a teenager, “Mom, you and dad have been great parents. You’ve taught me right from wrong and I choose wrong.” “Okay then,” I said to her, “from now on choices are your responsibility, even the wrong ones. Don’t blame me, or anyone else for that matter, for making the wrong one or for having to suffer the consequences. By your own admission, you’ve released me.” She had to BE more responsible or TAKE full responsibility for her own mistakes. I considered that a light-bulb moment.

3) Even though God was in control he allowed Jesus to suffer. “Although he was a son, he LEARNED OBEDIENCE, from what he suffered, and, ONCE MADE PERFECT, he became the source of eternal salvation for all who obey him.” Jesus was not sinless because he was perfect; he was perfect because he was sinless; he was made perfect by what he suffered. Even though our children will never be made perfect, suffering teaches them lessons they would learn no other way. It’s sad but true that some kids have to eat the soap to learn they should not. In what ways did Jesus suffer? “He was despised, rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering. Like one from whom men hide their faces he was despised…” We want our children to be smart, popular, good looking, have a great reputation. We go to great lengths to help our children fit in, when Jesus, himself did not; he experienced none of these things. He sent out seventy, appointed twelve apostles, had three close friends and John was his favorite. Of the twelve apostles, Judas betrayed him, Peter denied him and James and John’s mother asked the impossible. Compare your children’s friends to Jesus’ and you’ll see similarities. He learned that “in this world you will have trouble”; our children will too. The world teaches them in ways we can’t. When the principal sends them home from school for wearing indecent clothes, they get the message. One night in jail teaches a plethora of lessons they can’t, or won’t, learn from us. Jesus was born in a manger not a three, four or five bedroom house like some children expect today. From the very beginning he lived a lowly life even “with nowhere to lay his head.” If your child thinks he’s impoverished by the lifestyle you lead, don’t put yourself in debt just to make him feel accepted or to salve your own conscience. Peter tells us we are called to suffer in a passage pertaining to unjust masters and slaves; our children’s suffering pales to this. There are two types of suffering; both teach us a lesson. If someone comes toward you with a sharp knife, do you run or let him stab you? Your first response might be to run unless you knew he was a skilled surgeon removing cancer somewhere from your body. God is the skilled surgeon who constantly perfects us. His most dreaded but most effective instrument is pain.

4) God, himself, had to watch and wait. From the very beginning the wheels were in motion for God’s plan to unfold. Everything had to happen at just the right time. “At just the right time Christ died for the ungodly.” Jesus, early in his ministry told people not to tell others they had been healed because his time had not yet come. He came first to teach, then to heal. He was born son of God. He lived with Mary and Joseph, son of man. He was baptized. He was tempted by the devil. He preached for three years. He was honored. He was criticized. He was mobbed, beaten and ultimately killed while God watched. What looked like God sitting on his hands was God’s plan unfolding. When your child becomes a teenager, you’ve only gotten a glimpse of his potential. You may think you’ll never see the butterfly when God sees his wings already. They are HIS children, not ours. They are God’s gift to us only for awhile. I believe you are the perfect parent for your child and he is the perfect child for you. I believe he selected the two of you on purpose. “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations,” he tells Jeremiah. And the psalmist David tells us “your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” Christ’s prescription for overcoming fear and anxiety is living one day at a time; that’s it. He can see tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow. He knows our tendency is to worry but tells us how not to. Your child’s future is in great hands. Trust that God knows what is best. You may be raising a Sarah, a Stephen, a Priscilla or a Paul. To quote an old lady who told my chiropractor who quoted it to me: “Don’t you know, John, kids start going up fool’s hill at about age 13 and don’t come down until about age 21.” Just be patient for God’s plan to unfold. If you’re reading this, you too were likely a teen one time.

For me the hardest part of parenting is waiting on the porch. God, the father, watched as the prodigal son squandered his wealth on wild living. Coming to his senses he returned home while his father ran to greet him. The only time God is depicted as running is in this story. He did not judge; he accepted. He did not scorn; he celebrated. Sometimes children come home; sometimes they don’t; but we still love them. When I learned that acceptance does not always mean approval, I relaxed my standards and looked at my child through God’s eyes. Many times God is not as strict as we are. Saved by works and not by grace growing up, I failed miserably as a parent when it came to forgiveness. I demanded perfection of myself and them, sometimes killing their spirit instead of nurturing it.

God’s omniscience is not passive. Because he waits does not mean he does not care. “For the eyes of the Lord range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him.” He is more actively involved in your child’s life than you can or ever will be. Two passages I constantly repeat, assure me that God is actively involved in my life: “And my God will meet ALL you’re your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus” and “I know you can do all things, no plan of yours can be thwarted.”What can you do while you wait? Consider two types of waiting: one is the kind where you exercise your faith over and over again, like praying, reading, studying, memorizing scripture, meditating, singing, serving, sharing, and sympathizing with others DAILY. The other type of waiting is when you REST, laying your child at Jesus’ feet, relinquishing control as you continue building your faith. You let “faith building” take the place of worry. If you actively build your faith in God your fear of failure fades.

5) God and Jesus had a relationship. Whereas God and Jesus were one, as in the trinity, they were connected even though separated when Jesus lived on earth. Jesus knew his father’s wishes; he carried them out willingly, but rules without a relationship leads to rebellion. Listen to what Jesus prayed in the garden: “I have revealed you to those whom you gave me out of the world. They were yours; you gave them to me and they have obeyed your word. Now they know that everything you have given me comes from you For I gave them the words you gave me…” Your children know you. They live with you. They’ve seen you cry, laugh, shout, spit, run, jump, even roll over. Like Chuck Miller says, “You couldn’t beat your words out of their heads with a crowbar!” One time I left David and Laura at home alone telling Laura she needed to be me while I was gone. When I came home she had music playing, a candle lit and was sweeping off the side porch. She had me pegged. Never doubt that your child loves, listens or longs for your love; he does. Love him back in his own love language. Even if he refuses it, keep doing it. More than likely, one day he will reciprocate. If his love language is WORDS OF AFFIRMATION leave notes on mirrors, nightstands, even the steering wheel telling him you love him and how proud you are of him. Speak them as well. If it’s GIVING AND RECEIVING OF GIFTS consider what your child treasures. Gary Chapman in “The Five Love Languages of Teenagers” quotes Ryan, age fourteen, “I guess the reason I know my parents love me is that they have given me so much. They often surprise me by giving me things that they know I would like to have. It’s not just what they give me, but it’s the way they do it. My family makes a big deal out of giving gifts, and it doesn’t even have to be my birthday.” How the gift is given is as important to this teen as the gift itself. She loves the presentation. If it’s ACTS OF SERVICE Krystal, age fourteen, says “I know my folks love me because they do so many things for me. Mom takes me to cheerleader practice and to all the games. Daddy helps me with my homework, especially my math, which I hate.” If it’s QUALITY TIME make it a point to be available. Spend time with your teen doing what he wants to do, not what you want him to do with you. If it’s TOUCH touch, hug, rough-house, embrace. Some children are huggers; some, like my daughter Laura, are not. Laura’s reluctance to hug is not an indication of her lack of love for me, or anyone else for that matter; it’s just not her love language; GIVING AND RECEIVING OF GIFTS IS. In my office is a picture she made out of construction paper on October 14, 1992 when she was eight years old.

It says, To: Mom, From: Laura Ellen Kimbel, Isaiah 40:8 The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of God stands forever.” She had seen me studying my Bible, knew I loved scripture and that I was a teacher. It was her way of saying, “Mom, I love you. I’ve noticed. Here’s your gift.”

When Laura was eighteen years old I insisted she move out of the house, causing several years of chaos for our entire family, especially her. My lack of wisdom, love and understanding created a huge gulf between us, but not one God couldn’t fill. In May of 2009, Laura was hospitalized for twenty-one days. Though married and living in Paducah, she had to move back in with us to recuperate and be cared for like a child again. For six weeks, I was given a second chance to be mom to my adult child I wrestled with as a teen, except this time with wisdom, understanding and grace I lacked back then. On July 30th, while still living with us and recuperating, Laura wrote these words on my birthday card:

Dear Mom,
This birthday falls at a special time in our relationship. I have enjoyed all the time we have gotten to spend together, even if it was unhappy circumstances at first. I wanted to give you a present for your birthday that would remind you of how grateful I am for all you did for me while I was in the hospital. Your actions all expressed how much you love me. I have never seen anyone love their child more than you loved me, and continue to love. Never forget how much I love you in return. I pray that this is your best birthday ever. I love you from the bottom of my heart. You truly are a saint.
Love always,
Laura

I KNOW God can turn your pain into pleasure, your fear into faith and your turbulence into triumph. The teen you may be wrestling with today may be wrapped in your arms tomorrow. Just hold on.